You Are Just Right For Your Child

I struggle with mental illness. Most of us do to some degree, but some of us bury it deep down better than others. Depression and anxiety have always been a part of my life, peeking their ugly faces out of the shadows whenever they felt like wreaking havoc, pushing me into isolation. Perhaps that’s why I don’t mind the isolation of being a stay-at-home mom. However, I do mind the way I talk about myself in front of my daughter. I do mind when I am quick to anger. I do mind when I am absent to my daughter. It’s awful and I hate myself for it. I spiral down, hit the bottom, and then pick myself back up like nothing ever happened.

The worst was the postpartum depression. It nearly killed me. My most agonizing curse and my greatest blessing, it has guided my relationship with Christ and my daughter. When in the midst of my postpartum depression, I was desperate to find a way to connect with my daughter. I was able to do this through learning. I loved watching her learn and discover! She loved books, sign language, and flashcards right from the start. I leaned in. This created a love for learning in her that simply amazes me. Even to this day, at three years old, she begs me to do flash cards, worksheets, and to practice her lines. Lines you ask? Yes! She loves memorizing paragraph long monologues. In addition to memorizing monologues, she follows direction well, and loves being on set.  

One day, on social media I was told by someone that “Stage moms are disgusting. A young child can’t know what they want at that age, and their parents are just exploiting them.”

This got me thinking: “Am I pushing Naomi to do something that she really doesn’t want to do? Am I exploiting my child?”

Then, a librarian told me I shouldn’t be doing flashcards with my daughter at such a young age because “she has the rest of her life to be drilled”.

This got me thinking: “Am I drilling her? Maybe I am pushing her too hard”.

Slowly, I began to spiral down, feeling the weight of failure, beating myself up for being such an awful mother. No more piano, flashcards, or acting! She deserves better than this, better than me!

While in my downward spiral, Naomi was cast in a feature film that I had submitted her for prior. It was hard for me to get excited, but I figured this would be her last film. When I told her that she was going to be in a movie she started asking me, “When do I get to be on set? Can we go tomorrow?” She was also begging me to do flashcards again! I wasn’t forcing her to do anything! Although I still felt as though I was dragging, ready to burst out in tears for no reason at any moment, I decided that I would continue to lean in, nurturing Naomi’s talents. I would continue teaching her to read, chauffeuring her around to piano lessons and casting calls.

Every child is different, and you are just the right motherly misfit for your child. You know every aspect of your child’s life and abilities. It’s okay to second guess yourself, but don’t let someone else put it in your head. They do not know your child. You got this! Lean in! Grow them strong, kind, and bold!